The Tommy's #TellmeWhy campaign has had me thinking alot on the consequences of a 'why' that isn't answered.
As humans, or certainly in my case. If a situation arises and you don't know the cause it's likely that you'd ask why. And when there isn't an answer to that 'why', your brain tries to creates answers, which are often questions in themselves.
And in my case, in my search for an answer to my 'why' I tend to find myself falling into a pit of dark thoughts and unhealthy patterns.
'is it because I am a terrible mother I don't deserve another child'
'is it because I threw up my prenatal'
'is it because karma is catching up with my for past mistakes'
'is it because I should be grateful and fulfilled with the one alive child I have'
These and so many more come at me constantly.
In the quiet moments, the pauses, the times where I am able to take a breathe from being busy and the waves of grief lap at my self worth.
Grief is like the tide. Some days it engulfs you, unsure if you'll be able to stay afloat. Other days it gently laps at your toes, where you acknowledge it's presence but are able to keep walking in the sand. The waves and tide are predictable and unpredictable a blend of what you expect and what you don't.
In the moments I feel like I could drown I think of others, others who know the pain I know, how I wish we didn't have this connection and how I wish we could talk openly about these topics and feelings.
So when someone says "how many children do you have?" I don't say "one". Or "are you planning to have another?" I don't say "oh maybe one day".
I find myself with more 'why's'
Why do we ask such intimate details of others choices/lack of choices about having children?
Why are we told to hide our pregnancies 'just incase'?
Why don't we share more of the bad on social media and not just the good?
My phrase when people don't know what to say is 'it is what it is'. As that's all I can find to say.
I wanted to add a note to say I'm doing as okay as I can right now. I once heard the phrase 'grief is love' so as long as I love my children I will grieve for them too.